its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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