Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
