Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
