My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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