Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
