I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
