I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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