Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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