Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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