i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dear god my vagina.
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