Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
