you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
