so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
