i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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