My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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