Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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