Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
