i used baking grease as lip gloss
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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