last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
