You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
