I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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