Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
