The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
