I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
