Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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