According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
