Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
