who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize