Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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