I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
