Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
