wanna go halves on a baby?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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