if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
