Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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