No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
