Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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