you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
