Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
