the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
