I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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