Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
