You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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