We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
