life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The feeling are messing with the penis
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
