At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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