How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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