i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
