We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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