oh god the rape fog is back!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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