You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
