what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
