How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Every concussion has its silver lining
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
