My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
