you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
