If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
