Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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