What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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