I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
