And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
