She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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