Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
