"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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