Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
