but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
